When it's over, that's the time I fall in love again.....

Yes, music quotes as the title. You like it, don't lie.

I'm starting with a joke because I'm lost. So lost. For all purposes, our relationship with K is officially over. I wish I could say that there was hope for our future together but I'm afraid I have none. Spending the day with her reminded me of how easy the first few days were, how fun, relaxing and easy. The day with her was not easy. Some of it felt forced, some it felt stressful, and some of it made me really unhappy. I'm being honest here, and it sucks. She's resolved to work on her life, her work and her school. I can't begrudge her working on that. I can't, it would be messed up. However my feelings were a little wounded. Add that to what I wrote about on the other blog and to me Friday just kind of sucked. Maybe that's not fair....It's probably not. I was sleep deprived and hormonal (I'm going to blame my pregnancy).

So I guess although she says she hopes it blossoms into something more than friendship, I'm not hopeful anymore. I think her life is going in a direction that poly doesn't fit into nor do we fit into. Again, maybe I'm not being fair. However am I supposed to wait around and hope for that? I'm fine being just friends but I think it might be time to look else where for what we want.


So that's the end of this chapter for me,

Amber

Home sweet home

Well, vacation is over! (And not a moment too soon, lol)

We actually got back on Monday evening, but we pretty much have spent the last 2 days recuperating from the trip. Monday night we did get a chance to chat with K, though - talk about awesom! <3 We both missed her so much during our trip! We talked again briefly yesterday as well, but she had to work with her boss most of the afternoon so we still haven't gotten to see each other yet. =(

I, for one, am really excited to see this relationship blossom into something beautiful (it's already beautiful, but I have this feeling it's going to be sooo much more!).

That's all for now!

-Brad

Bumps in the road

Well, hmm. I'm not quite sure I have much at all to say today.

K decided that she isn't interested in dating right now, but she still wants to be friends. I can respect that. Being in a committed triad is hard work and takes time and focus.

I just hate that it happened while we were out of town and through a text message. I guess it kind of stings more. Plus, it leaves a lot of unanswered questions. What would have happened if we didn't come on this trip? What would have happened if we didn't have sex the night before we left? What if we didn't ask her to be our girlfriend so soon?

Blah!

Oh well. She's still our friend - maybe when the other things in her life settle down a bit she'll be ready for a relationship with Amber and I. I just wish we could help her on all of the fronts in her life while she's getting through them. =( </3

Amber and I have talked about it a little bit (we haven't had just a ton of time since we're still on this trip) and we'll be okay. This isn't going to ruin our ideas about or trip into poly! =)

-Brad

Vacation makes me crazy

I'm a pretty normal person. I like to take it easy, not be stressed out and just let things happen. However vacations bring out the worst in me. I hate flying, I hate packing and I hate being cramped into rooms with people I barely can stand. (who doesn't?)


All of this left me so stressed out I thought I was going to miscarry my baby. No joke. I was having contractions and pain. I took it out on all the wrong people. I cried myself to sleep a few nights in a row.

So vacations make me crazy.

I could still cry some more. I'm a lot more relaxed now. A LOT more. Something about riding in a limo and exploring NYC will do that too you. (Yes I'm spoiled ;) ) Very. Spoiled. I wouldn't trade all the crap in my life for all the good things now.

So:

I
AM
SORRY!


I really am. I have grown past the lashing out, the mean comebacks and yet on vacation there I was lashing out, being mean and hurtful. That's not me. I'm a really sweet person. I love helping people. Instead I turned into a twisted bitch.

That's all I think I really have to say. I'm sorry.


Love,


Amber

Love: Harder Than It Looks

I need a vacation. Funny, because right now I'm in New York City (have I mentioned yet that I'm not a fan of NYC?) on a trip with Amber (and some *cough cough* family).

I don't have a lot of thoughts for you today... I just wanted to get some feelings out there. I was pretty emotionally beat up this afternoon at the thought of slowing way down in our new triad relationship (see Amber's post before mine). That's probably amplified because of the stress of this trip, though (Only 7 more days! HUZZAH!).

Going in to a three-way relationship seemed fairly straight forward. Man, managing the emotions and feelings of 3 people is way harder than it looks/sounds. On the one hand, you love both other partners and don't want to see them hurt or upset. On the other hand, you've got to look out for yourself and tell BOTH partners how you're feeling. We've been using Facebook group chat to all talk to each other at once to communicate. It's working fairly well right now... but nothing beats a face to face conversation. You can't see tears or hear emotion in text. And you can't cuddles on Skype. Saaaadddd!

None of us have any experience with a triad - it's the blind leading the blind. Not that that's a terrible thing, but maybe it'd be easier with a little guidance. I mean, married couples go to counseling to get an outside perspective of their relationship and help them work through issues (Not that we have issues like that this early in the relationship - hang on you'll see what I'm getting at lol). I wonder if a poly meet-up group would be a good thing to go to. At first glance I was really against the idea aka "Hey, this is my relationship, I'll do it how I want!", but looking at the situation now... well it might be cool to go to a meetup with people who have managed these kinds of relationships and get some feedback on what works for them, what to try, what to avoid, etc. Plus, it would be nice to have friends who understand about being poly that I could talk to.

On that note - I wish I could shout from the rooftops that I'm poly! I want everyone to know that I have a wife and a girlfriend. Not to brag or rub it in anyones face, but to say "Hey, this is my life and this is acceptable. This makes me happy and if you don't like it you can go fuck yourself!" Well, maybe not exactly like that. I'm an ass, but I'm not an ass to my friends :P

So far, I've told exactly 1 person - one of my brothers. He knew about the "fuck buddies" in the past and if anyone was going to be understanding, it'd be him. K has told both of her parents, friends, some co-workers (I think?), etc. Jeez, this girl has more balls than I do...

Anyway, I know I have lots to think about moving forward. At the end of the day, I know I want K to be happy. After all, that's what love is, right? Love is harder than it looks, dear reader.

One final thought. I notice that there has been a lot (well not a TON, but some) traffic coming across this blog. Is there anyone out there who has had experience with being in a triad/poly relationship in the past? Or does anyone have any advice on finding local poly groups?

That's all for tonight.

-Brad

Questions, Thoughts and Tears

So my friends had some questions. I felt like it's best to probably answer them here.

How do I deal with jealousy?

With my husband I don't feel jealousy. Our love has been strong for 8 years. I know him better than I know myself. Love struck me hard. How could I be mad at him for feeling the same way I do? That wouldn't be fair. I won't say it didn't sting a little. We are freshly married (11 months) but I know in my heart that our love will last. Always. Another person adds to that. If not then they won't be allowed to be apart of us. Being apart of us is a privilege so we take it seriously, as we are fucking awesome people. Seriously.

On the topic of seeing other men, sleeping with K's interests:

I have no interest. My love for a man is fulfilled with my husband. He completes me in a way no other man can. Most men are only interested in a quick lay anyway, so it's not hard to reject them. My husband knows me and my body perfectly. I could if I wanted, I have permission from my husband. I just choose 99% of the time to not. 

Who was this for?

We both talked about it. Honestly, I think in my mind it was more for me. However, seeing his joy and emotion....it might have been just as much about him. My need and desire to be with a woman is powerful. I've been with a few sexually but only loved two. Both have rejected me. One with, I never liked girls, that was a phase. The other with, you aren't important unless you're buying me stuff. See I LOVE LOVE LOVE to spoil the people I'm with. Buying stuff, making stuff, cuddles and kisses. I'm a freaking catch. (of course I have issues too but so does playboy and everyone likes that)

Who am I?

I'm not really Amber. It's a decoy. Yes. And an inside joke. so is Brad :)

Ending thoughts:

Today sucked. This trip sucks. I miss my husband and my baby being at home. It's our home. It's peaceful, it's my way or gtfo. I miss that. 

Today also sucked because K has decided to take a step back and see if this is what she really wants. While I find it hard to hear and to deal with. (Crying sucks) I must deal with it. It hurts me to my core that I opened up so freely to someone and I feel rejected. I'm not saying I was rejected but right now I can't help how I feel. It's more complicated but it's her business not mine to put out there. So for now, I'm giving her time. However, time doesn't heal all wounds it just mends them until the next hurt.

Love and tears,

Amber (aka me!)

First Post by Brad

Wow - the last few weeks have been absolutely crazy! Crazy in a fantastic way :) I guess I'll just start at the beginning and go from there! This post is really like the Spark Notes on the past two weeks :) If some of this seems like a blur, that's because that's how it is in my head - a glorious blur!

In the beginning - 

A couple of weeks ago we started talking to K on the internet. Immediately we felt a connection to her. She's beautiful, intelligent, creative, honest - in a nutshell she's perfect! We talked to her for a few days before going out on a date with her.

Making it official

Amber and I have never met a more genuine person. We knew immediately that we wanted K in our relationship! On the second date Amber and I wanted to make it official by asking K to be our girlfriend. I know this was a huge step for all 3 of us! When she said yes, a wave of happiness crashed over me. Amber and I have been together for 8 years (and married 1 of those years), but having K be an official part of our relationship immediately brought a joy that I hadn't experienced before. It was almost overwhelming, but in a good way!

Awkward...

I'm usually not a very shy or awkward person, but the first two dates with K were really awkward (even after she agreed to be our girlfriend before/on the second date). I guess part of me was still getting used to the dynamic of having K around and not wanting to make Amber uncomfortable or jealous. We all agreed that we would only move as fast as the slowest person (taking it slow is not something any of us are used to). That was really the first moment that I knew this was going to be a great relationship and that it could really work! :)

The third date

So we all know that the third date is "that date" - the time where you jump in to bed and check your sexual compatibility. With three people who are "taking it slow", I wasn't sure what to expect, especially with Amber and I leaving for 10 days the very next morning. I obviously really hoped that we would jump in to bed, but that's because I'm a guy and we can't really fight the primal desire to be in bed with two women at once - especially when they are as sexy and compatible with you as Amber and K are to me. As it turns out - we ended up in the bedroom at the end of the day :)

Buzzzzzzzz

So there we were - Amber and I were showing K our little collection of sex toys and goodies that we had collected over the past few years. Poor K lost her innocence in that moment! Lol! As it turns out, Amber had a vibrator that she forgot about buying and asked if K wanted it. Before she could answer, I said that it was OK as long as Amber showed her how to use it before she left. At this point, Amber was already halfway naked since she was doing laundry and getting ready for this trip that we're on. Since we all agreed that it was only fair, K agreed to be at least as equally naked ;) I'm not going to go in to more details here... suffice to say seeing Amber and K naked in bed was.... well, I'm not going to say it was god-like... but... actually... yes... It was DIVINE! :D

Emotions

Emotions were running high before, during, and after sex. At one point, K had some emotions that surfaced regarding a past love. I'd love to hear more about what she was going through (maybe she can make a post too ;) ) because it was obviously overwhelming emotionally for her being sexual with Amber and I. I ended up driving K home (sad panda) that night. We didn't talk much, but she held my hand the whole way home which was awesome! We even saw fireworks on the ride back - what an ending to 3 days of a crazy emotional high!

I'm leaving on a jet plane

The next morning (now yesterday for me if I can keep up with how many hours have passed!) Amber and I had to leave for New York City. We texted K to make sure she was okay (she was feeling ill) and to show her how much we already missed her (and still do :( ) We already knew that this trip was going to be hard, but after the past 3 days it was going to be even harder. Again, I'm not going to go into details, but this trip has already been a nightmare and we've only been here for ~22 hours. NYC sucks!

All I need is love, love, love

So late last night we 3 ran into our first little rough spot. K was feeling really hurt by a past love and Amber and I were trying to console her with little luck. She was obviously hurting and her hurting made me hurt :( Wow, my heart hurt for a girl that I've been dating officially for less than 48 hours too. Then it slipped... the "L word". Yup, Amber and I both told K we loved her. As I write this now, my hands are numb with a surge of energy that comes over my body because I can't say it in person and kiss her. I don't know if K understands how HUGE that is for Amber and I. We have never, ever, ever, told anyone else besides each other that we love them (at least not while we have been together the past 8 years).

Sunshine in the morning

As I started writing this post a Skype call came in from K. Seeing her after last night had been so rough was amazing. Her smile put a smile on my face. I miss her. Not only do I miss her, I miss the dynamic that Amber and I have together when we are at home. Family trips are always hard on Amber and I. I miss us. I miss the two of us. I miss the three of us. I want to be home!

This trip is...

This trip is going to be hard. Amber and I are fighting, but I keep telling her that maybe it will be good for us - that we can work to become stronger and better even with faced with all of these challenges. This trip is challenging, frustrating, angry - but maybe within all of that there is potential for greatness!

That's all for now. I've been neglecting my family to write this. I want Amber and K to read it and share their thoughts with me =)

-Brad